Oh, it's so true. Everywhere you look and everywhere you don't look, they're out to get you! How do I know? Because I watch television news. My heroes on television never, ever lie to me. They have my best interests at heart. That's why I give them my loyal attention. That's why I never miss the dire warnings they deliver to me each day.
How in the world I survived childhood is the mystery of all mysteries. Hold onto your hats folks -- this isn't going to be pretty. You might not want your kids reading this. Graphic warning!!!! Not for the feint of heart! Turn back now! This could give your kids nightmares and maybe ruin them for life! Are you ready? Are you sure? OK, you've been warned.
I walked to school -- by myself! To kindergarten! Across Lankershim Blvd. Alone! And I walked home under the same circumstances.
Calm yourselves and take a deep breath. Yes, yes, yes, yes! I was lucky to have survived. Blame it on ignorance but thank the heavens that luck was on my side way back then. Oh, and here are three reasons why you shouldn't immediately call the authorities and have my parents locked up forever for child abuse: 1) The statute of limitations has passed. 2) Both of my parents are dead (yes, they probably deserved it -- the gods were watching). 3) They were ignorant of the dastardly demons that were no-doubt stalking me and my sister back then. They were ignorant because the crude and over-simplified news media were ineffective in warning my parents of the billions of dangers children faced back then.
If only the media then were as excellent, caring and trustworthy as they are now. Today, thanks to our stellar media, every parent knows that sending their kids off to school on foot is tantamount to stuffing them down the garbage disposal and throwing the switch --- only the down-the-drain method is much more humane than what kids face on the battle zone we call our neighborhood streets.
Just ask Nancy Grace. Thank the gods above that she has dedicated her life to keeping us informed of the dangers children face if we don't watch over them every single moment of their little lives. She'll tell you that they're not safe in the front yard. They're not safe on the way to school. They're not safe vacationing in Aruba. They're not safe in Arcadia and they're not safe in Arizona, Arkansas, Alaska, Alabama or Anaheim.
They're not safe online, in line, on the line, inside the line or outside the line. God forbid that any child should cross any line. Even the lines in Huckleberry Finn are evil and dangerous. And that's not all.
Nancy Grace and the Today Show and CNN and Good Morning America and CBS News all agree that other things are equally as dangerous. They remind us that tap water will kill our kids. Sunlight will kill them. Rain -- oh my gosh -- rain will kill them. Forgive me while I pause and describe the utter cruelty our parents inflicted on us way back in the dark ages of parenting. Even when it rained, they forced us to walk to school. The evil bastards forces us to wear bright yellow, rubber raincoats with horrible little yellow hoods and rubber boots and venture out into the torrents of deadly water --- and we're not talking about bottled water!
I'm sorry to take to you such a horrible scene without warning you first. Anyway, the wonderful news folks are sometimes the only thing keeping us from touching shopping carts with our bare hands, or leaving our actual names on our outgoing answering machines, or allowing our children to greet the neighbors who may be walking (lurking) down the street.
I assure you that this is just the beginning. Please come back here soon for a myriad of examples of why you should be scared poopless. Indeed, life as we know it will not exist unless we are vigilant in our resolve to remain constantly scared poopless.
Please, please, please share this blog with your family, your friends --- heck, even your enemies. As bad as they may be, they still deserve to be on top of being scared poopless. Oh, and leave comments and examples and cautionary warnings. We must fight this fight together.
How in the world I survived childhood is the mystery of all mysteries. Hold onto your hats folks -- this isn't going to be pretty. You might not want your kids reading this. Graphic warning!!!! Not for the feint of heart! Turn back now! This could give your kids nightmares and maybe ruin them for life! Are you ready? Are you sure? OK, you've been warned.
I walked to school -- by myself! To kindergarten! Across Lankershim Blvd. Alone! And I walked home under the same circumstances.
Calm yourselves and take a deep breath. Yes, yes, yes, yes! I was lucky to have survived. Blame it on ignorance but thank the heavens that luck was on my side way back then. Oh, and here are three reasons why you shouldn't immediately call the authorities and have my parents locked up forever for child abuse: 1) The statute of limitations has passed. 2) Both of my parents are dead (yes, they probably deserved it -- the gods were watching). 3) They were ignorant of the dastardly demons that were no-doubt stalking me and my sister back then. They were ignorant because the crude and over-simplified news media were ineffective in warning my parents of the billions of dangers children faced back then.
If only the media then were as excellent, caring and trustworthy as they are now. Today, thanks to our stellar media, every parent knows that sending their kids off to school on foot is tantamount to stuffing them down the garbage disposal and throwing the switch --- only the down-the-drain method is much more humane than what kids face on the battle zone we call our neighborhood streets.
Just ask Nancy Grace. Thank the gods above that she has dedicated her life to keeping us informed of the dangers children face if we don't watch over them every single moment of their little lives. She'll tell you that they're not safe in the front yard. They're not safe on the way to school. They're not safe vacationing in Aruba. They're not safe in Arcadia and they're not safe in Arizona, Arkansas, Alaska, Alabama or Anaheim.
They're not safe online, in line, on the line, inside the line or outside the line. God forbid that any child should cross any line. Even the lines in Huckleberry Finn are evil and dangerous. And that's not all.
Nancy Grace and the Today Show and CNN and Good Morning America and CBS News all agree that other things are equally as dangerous. They remind us that tap water will kill our kids. Sunlight will kill them. Rain -- oh my gosh -- rain will kill them. Forgive me while I pause and describe the utter cruelty our parents inflicted on us way back in the dark ages of parenting. Even when it rained, they forced us to walk to school. The evil bastards forces us to wear bright yellow, rubber raincoats with horrible little yellow hoods and rubber boots and venture out into the torrents of deadly water --- and we're not talking about bottled water!
I'm sorry to take to you such a horrible scene without warning you first. Anyway, the wonderful news folks are sometimes the only thing keeping us from touching shopping carts with our bare hands, or leaving our actual names on our outgoing answering machines, or allowing our children to greet the neighbors who may be walking (lurking) down the street.
I assure you that this is just the beginning. Please come back here soon for a myriad of examples of why you should be scared poopless. Indeed, life as we know it will not exist unless we are vigilant in our resolve to remain constantly scared poopless.
Please, please, please share this blog with your family, your friends --- heck, even your enemies. As bad as they may be, they still deserve to be on top of being scared poopless. Oh, and leave comments and examples and cautionary warnings. We must fight this fight together.
Let's see, you didn't capitalize Nancy's last name at the beginning of one paragraph. Judging by your "Labels", I'm guessing it's another one of your tirades against the Tea Party et al. If you are the author of this missive, I'm now wondering why you have many references to GOD since I seem to remember you are a non-believer...
ReplyDeleteIt is apparent you have not only eaten the pudding, you have also drank the kool-aid of the progressive socialists.
Hey Tim,
ReplyDeleteThanks a billion for the copy editing. And, no, this has nothing to do with politics -- I think you're too sensitive. This is about the stupid-ass liberals (and maybe some conservatives) whose fat little kids can't waddle to school on their own. And because these Yuppies can't get their own asses out of bed early enough, they drop their little accessories off at the nearby middle school and then race down my alley to avoid the back-up at the corner. No, I'm afraid the entire "Baby on Board" generation grew up and inflicted the same crap on their accessories.
And I'm open to any of the gods out there --- whatever you might call yours. I'm a career television news producer who is appalled at the trash they're putting on TV nowadays and labeling it as news. It crosses all political lines. All of it sucks! But thanks for throwing in your views. I love them all! :-)
HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Thanks for the laugh, Don - it made my day!
ReplyDeleteBrought back memories of my childhood (when I was younger than 10) and my mom would give me a quarter to walk a mile downtown, go to the movie, and then walk back home...all by myself! Those were the days....when the only thing we had to fear was fear itself.....
You see, Carol? This is why your life is so messed up today. And you can only blame your mother. And what's worse is that she only gave you 25 cents. And I thought the stories of the Great Depression were depressing. My heart goes out to you. Such abuse. Such neglect. Damn!
ReplyDeleteThat's great, Don! You know you've done a good job when "Tim's" knee-jerk reaction is to kick in to pre-recorded psycho-babble. Where did he even make the connection that media-instilled fear is part of a "socialist" agenda when the very term was revived in this century to make everyone scared poopless (if I may) of the commies lurking behind our TV sets?
ReplyDelete